Short and Sweet: I Knew He Had Me Hooked When…

 
He asked if I wanted ice cream for breakfast. If that ain’t love….

He had one foot in the car on the way to the hospital when I told him I broke my heel walking down the street.

He kissed me hello. Cuz he missed me.

He signed up for living social. Who doesn’t love a man who loves a good deal?!

He started watching The Real Housewives of New York with me and tried to act like he wasn’t interested. Probably wasn’t his first choice, but the effort was appreciated.
 
He surprised me and said that Aladdin was coming on TV, then he sang all the words of “A Whole New World” to me. A Disney sing-a-long is a win every time.
 
He gave me a piggy-back ride to the car, then took me for ice cream when I was sick. There’s a pattern here. Ice cream made me fall in love with him.
 
He ate the shrimp that I made (I think, I wasn’t there) even though it was gross. He never makes me feel bad when I mess up, not even when I mess up shrimp.
 
He went with me to see Burlesque, and Christina Aguilera gave him the chills. I was a closet fan for years, but now he’s one too!
 
He let me make a music video in his car. Sure, the pedestrians walking down the street didn’t appreciate being poked by my 7′ wingspan, but I loved that I could show my silly self with him.

2011
07/14
CATEGORY
Love, Life, and the Like.
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3,846 comments

5 Things Every Bachelor Should Have

Although I was never romantically involved with any of the men I’ve lived with, we couldn’t help but take certain gender roles while living together. I’d sometimes cook, he’d take out the trash, and so on and so forth. Being that I was never romantically involvd with any man that i’ve lived with, it was so interesteing to see how they treated the women they were dealing with and how they prepared for company. Some of the things that men do and think of are ingenious, and its a wonder why they manage to somehow get caught up. Preparing for  the arrival of female company is not only intricate, but well-planned, and lacks error. Behold, my list of things that every bachelor should have if he intends on maintaining his player status:

1. Dust buster.

I don’t know how I can possibly stress the importance of a dust buster. An upright vacuum simply won’t do. A dust buster is imperative for cleaning up stray hairs, those sneaky little bobby pins, and other womanly debris. I don’t know what it is about women and hair, but you would think they’re forsenic scientists when it comes down to determining whether or not a single strand of hair belongs to them or not. The thickness, length, texture, and color of ONE STRAND can make or break the success of your evening. Also, a dust buster is great for those fly-away hairs that stick to the bathroom walls.

2. Snacks.

Women are human beings, and thus require nourishment. There’s no such thing as a weekend sex-a-thon without food. If you don’t intend to feed a woman with woman-snacks, you may as well throw that rubber back into your roommate’s dresser drawer. Let me emphasize woman-snacks. If when you look in your fridge, all you see is water, a pizza box, gatorade, alcohol, and ranch dressing, there’s a problem. We don’t want to have to leave to go and get food, because that disturbs our level of comfort. Believe you, me, no woman is taking her clothes off if she’s not comfortable. Get some cookies and shit. Better yet, get something she can cook quickly and easily. Two birds. One stone.

3. Shower cap and bobby pins

There’s no way to stress the importance of having a shower cap and bobby pins on deck. Some Most women are not spending the night if they can’t properly wrap their hair. Which is fine, you may not want an overnight guest. But if you do, you need to prepare for her to wrap her straight hair and shower without fear of harming her ‘do if you want her to stay. She may even be able to go without a scarf to secure her wrap, just make sure you have them damn bobby pins. Don’t worry, she has a comb in her purse.

4. Air freshener.

Air freshener serves many purposes in the bachelor’s home. It gives the illusion of cleanliness, it makes his guests feel comfortable, and it masks any lingering scents smell of french vanilla or a country garden. The most important of these three would be that it makes his guest feel comfortable. I can’t speak for all women, but I can say personally that scents play a major role in how I feel about a situation and any parties involved. Whether its his cologne, his Air Wick, or the little tree dangling from his rearview mirror, it has to smell amazing. Scents are a big part of what keeps her coming back. Here’s an example: Girl trys to make her way through a crowded room. Girl accidentally brushes up next to a man wearing the cologne that boy wears. Girl disregards man in crowd wearing the familiar scent. Girl makes arrangements to see boy after the club. Oh, and girl gets liquored up. It will probably be a wild night and she needs to be ready.

5. Two-ply toilet paper.

Yes, gentlemen. There is a difference between one and two-ply. A big difference. As you know, women use as much toilet paper as most Korean men earn from selling tracks of hair on Crenshaw Blvd. A lot. So, it has to be the right kind. Just one more thing to do to ensure her comfort and her willingness to stay as long as required. Not only does it need to be 2-ply, it has to be soft to the touch. None of that Scott crap that comes wrapped up in that rough ass paper. She needs something with a cute animal pictured. A cuddly bear, a soft puppy, something that says, “Hey, bachelor, I’m soft.” This is not a requirement as much as it is a courtesy.

2011
02/21
CATEGORY
Uncategorized
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4,168 comments

These are My Confessions

Every now and then, I like to disclose a little bit about myself, whether a reader is interested or not. I guess it’s just my way of achieving some level of personal growth, and throwing all caution to the wind. It probably won’t ever be as intimate as a juicy read ought to be, but some are still pretty personal.

1. I have fallen asleep during sex. Not for long, but just long enough for him to notice

2. I’m the clumsiest person I know. I’m the one walking into objects, tripping over thin air, and I still don’t know where 80% of the current bruises on my body came from.

3. I do a stripper dance when I’m in an elevator by myself. I secretly hope that most elevators have cameras so someone can see me cutting a rug on the way to the 10th floor.

4. I have a secret desire to be a professional singer. That’s right, but I don’t have a professional singer’s voice. But I’d still pull an Ashanti and fake the funk if I got the chance.

5. When I’m in an uncomfortable situation, I run away. I’ve gotten better, but I’m not a fan of confrontation, especially in romantic situations.

6. I have posed nude for an artist. Sorry, mom.

7. I love family game nights. We’re corny, but we love to play games and I think that’s what attracts everyone else to my family. We have the kool-aid house.

8. I am obsessed with zebra print everything. I have it all: Umbrella, shoes, clothe, towels, bags, wallets, sheets. You name it, I’ve got it.

9. I have a million-dollar idea that I’m too lazy to act on. But I’m working on it.

10.  I have a thing for older men. Always have. Not too much older, although I have been known to see someone 10+ years my senior.

11.  I walked in on my parents doing the nasty when I was in high school. And I’m still recovering from it.

12.  I don’t always show it, but I love my brother more than anybody in the world and I would do anything for him. Even if it means putting my size 10 firmly up his wife’s ass.

13.  I’ve been so broke that I’ve not eaten for days at a time, but my dog always had a meal. That’s my nigga.

14.  I’ve lost just as many friends as I’ve lost socks in the dryer. Eh, what can I say? I’m a charmer.

15.  I am a far better driver, dancer, and pedestrian when I’ve had a few drinks. When I know I’ve been drinking, I force myself to concentrate more, which is why I can strut down the street in 5 inch heels with no problem. But if you catch me in running shoes on the soberest of days, I may just stumble and fall. See number 2.

16. I have some crazy blood in my system. Like set a nigga’s room on fire to smoke him out kind of crazy. Don’t test my gangsta.

17. I despise weaves. I don’t like them in my head, I don’t like them in your head, and I don’t like them in yo mama’s head. Take that mess out and learn how to do and love what you got.

18. I also despise shrimp. Yes, I am Black. No, I still don’t like shrimp.

19. I don’t forget as many things as people think I do. I just choose not to listen. *Message*

20. I have paid for an entire (fast food) meal in nickels. Those were the good old days when an 11-year old had as much shame as a hooker in church. None.

21. I feel like I’m “The one that got away” to most men I’ve ever dealt with. I’m a great damn catch.

22. When I was a kid, I used to love to eat butter by the stick. And sugar by the cupful. Yum.

23. I think my distaste or intolerance for some women has to do with the women who have wronged the men and women in my life. I love women, but I can probably do without 79% of you tricks. You remind me of someone that I owe an ass-whoopin to.

24. I went to my prom by myself.  I usually tell people its because I just had a bad car accident and decided to go at the last minute with my arm in a sling. True, but not the reason I didn’t have a date.

25.  The number one reason I don’t want a roommate is so I can dance around the house in my panties making Keri Hilson, Beyonce, Mya, and TLC videos. The world is my stage, and my apartment is my practice room.

2011
02/09
CATEGORY
Uncategorized
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